Rigby Potts, RDN, Astrologers Guild of Canada
A Note from Rigby – Thank you all for your patience. I took the summer to realign myself with our beautiful planet. For three months I slept underneath the stars, letting my body be consumed by the grass and dirt around me. I made friends with the wildlife and communed with the birds each morning. More than ever I feel confident to advise you with the counsel of constellations.
Cancer - Autumn swiftly approaches. Try counting the leaves before they fall off the trees as your seasonal meditation.
Leo - Spend this season staring longingly out the window in your office. Take every chance you get to remind your coworkers this was not the original plan.
Aquarius - Your fall hobby? See how many times you can get through the Starbucks drive-thru in a week before someone recognizes you.
Aries - You have fallen in love with your new job, but your boss is beginning to realize you don’t have any qualifications. Start an office rumor about them before they act on their suspicions about you. They can’t fire you if HR gets to them first.
Capricorn - This autumn it is time you slow down and take a moment for yourself. Practice mindfulness by standing in your local cornfield wearing a straw hat, your favorite flannel shirt, and your rattiest denim overalls.
Gemini - Start hosting weekly dinners with your friends this season. But embrace spontaneity by not telling them they’re hosting and instead showing up at their door with a $6 bottle of wine and an appetite on a Tuesday night.
Libra - Wash your emotional support water bottle. It is time.
Taurus - Ease up on the caffeine intake. You might feel heartless, but trust me, it’s in there and it is begging for a break.
Virgo - The stars are testing you this season. Don’t worry, they made it true or false. Trust your gut.
Pisces - Take this month to push your limits. This is the time to be overbooked and under-caffeinated. Let’s see what you can really do.
Sagittarius - With Thanksgiving around the corner it is time to start practicing how you plan to devour the turkey in its entirety. Take Halloween as your opportunity to test your stomach. Just when you think you’ve had enough candy, eat one more Snickers bar.
Scorpio - It is time to forgive your mother. Rent a car with no radio, leave your phone behind, and take her on a fall foliage trip through New England.
Cancer - Start spending all of your time with one person until the two of you are no longer seen as individuals.
Leo - Dreams? Who needs those when wasting your potential and moving back in with your parents is an option? Enjoy your self loathing!
Aquarius - Your summer hobby? Becoming a parking lot menace like when you were 17. You’re now the Dollar General employee’s number one enemy.
Aries - You’ll get a job offer soon. It’ll be for a job you didn’t actually apply to and have no skills for but you’ll accept it with pleasure.
Capricorn - With the sun shining it might be time to take a stab at a new hobby. Perhaps knife throwing is in your future.
Gemini - Watch out for that summertime happy hour. One drink too many and your coworkers might see that cry face you hide so well.
Libra - Next time you go out be sure to hand your credit card to someone trustworthy. Otherwise you might wake up with a $15,000 charge for an engagement ring and a 19 year old fiancé.
Taurus - Cowboy up. It’s time to get down to business and do it in style. Throw on some ass-less chaps and a 10-gallon hat and get to work.
Virgo - Get good at your customer service face. People are going to ask you dumb questions and you’ll be expected to answer with a smile albeit a fake one.
Pisces - Reel it in baby. Last month you were a little too spontaneous. Take June to reignite that town hermit vibe you have within you.
Sagittarius - Take in strays, but be ready to give them a permanent home. It doesn’t matter if it’s cats, dogs, or kids they’ll love you so much they won’t leave.
Scorpio - Start over sharing with every waiter and waitress you have. If you’re not practically holding their hand every time they pass you your refilled sweet tea you’re not doing enough.
Cancer - Throw caution to the wind. Let your impulses take control. Get three tattoos in one day, but only if you get them done in the back room of some guy’s apartment.
Leo - Your college days were your glory days. Do everything you can to cling onto any last morsel of collegiate pride you had. Try starting up a rec sand volleyball team just like you had back in the day maybe it’ll help you feel something.
Aquarius - Listen to your therapist. Please.
Aries - Try on a couple different personalities. Why limit yourself when the possibilities could be endless? As a matter of fact, be someone different wherever you go.
Capricorn - If the clown collection isn’t working out, it might be time to consider a collection of human teeth. They don’t have to be yours.
Gemini - Find a family to infiltrate in a real weird way. Date somebody for a while before breaking their heart and dating their aunt or uncle, someone close enough to them it makes it uncomfortable.
Libra - It’s prom season. Find a herd of vulnerable teenagers and stare at them until they question if matching their braces to their boutonniere was a bad idea.
Taurus - Find a dance partner you can trust, then never stop dancing.
Virgo - It’s time to start your second career. This time around you should aim for something to keep you on your toes. Try “high school driving instructor.”
Pisces - Spontaneity can work in your favor if you keep it to a minimum. Attend the spur of the moment Mexican Rock Band concert, but don’t try paragliding for the first time with someone you just met.
Sagittarius - What’d the wilderness do for you last month? Did you meet a troll? Or perhaps someone named River who tried to convince you to begin your foliage diet journey?
Scorpio - Spend your lunch breaks sharing childhood trauma over tortilla chips.
Cancer - There’s a new trope for you to explore! Siblings to lovers is calling your name. Who cares that you grew up together and looked up to them as an older sibling for over a decade, feelings change, people get hot.
Leo - It’s time for you to get really into Renaissance Festivals! It’s alright that you don’t have a job or any prospects. You have a savings account for a reason, and this month that reason is to be able to afford expensive costumes and mead.
Aquarius - How’s your work life going? Have you noticed any odd ball coworkers around your office? They’re the kind of people that make you do a double take and question if you heard them correctly. If no one is springing to mind immediately, it might be time for you to step up. Get weird.
Aries - See entry for Cancer.
Capricorn - Time to get clowny. Someone you know has the beginnings of a clown collection that they’re itching to get rid of. Be sure those clowns find their way into your hands.
Gemini - It’s about time for a new hyperfixation meal. For the next month all you’ll crave is a twice-baked potato.
Libra - Hopefully that month on Do Not Disturb left you well rested and ready to roll because this month you’re hitting the ground running, or more aptly, flying. Getting your pilot’s license is not as difficult as you think.
Taurus - Everything is changing. Your only option is to change with it. But let’s keep those changes subtle. There’s no need for at-home bangs or a back-alley stick and poke, a simple switch from whole to oat milk in your latte will suffice.
Virgo - How’d that cat-calling work out? No luck? Try hanging around parks. Especially parks where hot moms spend time with their children.
Pisces - We all know you can’t keep a single thing to yourself, like, ever but would it kill you to go one day without posting a tearful selfie or cryptic song lyrics?
Sagittarius - Last month was about getting snoopy like our gal Joan Didion. This month though it’s all about Henry David Thoreau. Take a walk in the woods, get lost, don’t come out for the next 31 days.
Scorpio - Eating old fashioned glazed donuts from mom and pop coffee shops will help you forget about the misogyny.
Cancer - Buckle up things are about to get bumpy. Like, physically buckle up. Safety first y’all.
Leo - Hey, remember that one person you dated and brutally dumped your third year in college? They think about you every day. You are constantly on their mind. Actually, in the back of their closet they have this eerie collage of your face with the eyes scratched out. It’s kind of disturbing. Definitely don’t backslide if you can help it.
Aquarius - This month you should start eating most, if not all, of your meals in your car. Invest in one of those lap tables and maybe a bib or two. People will stare at you, but there’s just something about eating in a confined space with an audience that speeds up your digestion.
Aries - One word: metallurgy.
Capricorn - What’s your water intake been like recently? Like, if you had to describe the color of your pee using the Pantone Color System would you say you’re more “Turbo” or “Portofino”? Either way, drink up. Water, not your pee.
Gemini - Khakis are in. Stock up while you can and then be sure to tuck in your collared shirts so tight everyone can see your belly button. The more like a private school student you look, the better.
Libra - Put your phone on Do Not Disturb for the month. There’s nothing important enough to disturb your peace.
Taurus - It’s time to get really into the New York Times daily crossword puzzle. Let that be the driving force that wakes you up every morning. Solving the puzzle should be the crowning achievement of your day.
Virgo - Still looking for a mate? Start catcalling people more. If you do it enough, it’s bound to work out.
Pisces - Start listening to your dreams, especially the weird ones. Like, if you have a dream where you and your best friend get to listen to a highly anticipated unreleased pop album, you should start a rumor online about the sound and the lyrics. Let it get some traction before telling everyone you made it all up.
Sagittarius - Joan Didion used to go through people’s medicine cabinets and she was super successful. Get snoopy this month, see where it takes you.
Scorpio - It’s time to start traveling. Ohio is great this time of year.
Cancer - Monday through Thursday you should avoid public transit. Much hotter singles take the train on the weekend heading to brunch or the farmer’s market. Also, stay away from dairy unless you want your tummy to hurt.
Leo - Stop what you’re doing and cut bangs. While you’re at it, that tongue piercing you were afraid to get in high school? Claire’s has extended their hours and those draining fluorescent lights are beckoning. Honestly, any big life change you’ve ever considered should be made within the next three days.
Aquarius - Lemons are not your friend. Be weary of anything yellow actually. No fun yellow handbags, banana smoothies, or hailing taxis while wearing sun-colored galoshes. As for yellow lights, they can go either way. Gun it when you feel like it and chicken out when you don’t.
Aries - You and the gym should become well acquainted. Lifting weights is not for you and stay away from treadmills, but standing awkwardly in the parking lot staring at everyone walking in and out might prove fruitful. Walking towards the front windows and pressing your face against the glass will certainly draw attention to you.
Capricorn - It is time to start journaling. It might also be time to start lying. Write down every last thought that makes its way into your head. The level of delusion doesn’t matter. Every thought will be worth something to someone eventually, we’re just not sure who yet. Also lying makes life more exciting.
Gemini - It’s time to get tricky. Start playing pranks on your friends, escalate to playing them on strangers. Be the silly little guy people are slightly afraid of. Learn one magic trick from a youtube channel with four subscribers and then show it to everyone in your office every day until there’s no life left in their eyes.
Libra - Buy a dog.
Taurus - Quit your job. Being told what to do every day does not align well with your soul. Take to the sea. Learn how to sail. Honestly, how hard can it be? It’s mainly pulling on some strings which puppeteers do every day. If the guy on Sesame Street can do it, you can too!
Virgo - Get rid of that cat. It is weighing you down and scaring off potential mates. Flying squirrels are the “in” pet right now. Their erratic behavior and tendency to burrow into the hair of your guests and refusal to come out will be the talk of every social gathering.
Pisces - Your therapist has got to go. Any advice you’re paying to hear from them you could get for free from somebody on a street corner or the over-eager barista looking for a tip. Also, healthy habits or out. It’s time to pick up smoking. You’ll look a lot cooler if you do.
Sagittarius - Leave your Christmas decorations up. If you’ve already taken them down, put them back up. Pretty lights keep ugly thoughts at bay. If you leave them up all year round then you’ll probably never be sad again.
Scorpio - Buy more lottery tickets. The more tickets you buy the more likely you are to win. You should buy so many tickets that the cashier behind the counter at the gas station becomes concerned about you and your financial state.